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Choose Your Friends Carefully
My mother always reminded her kids that people judge you by the company you keep. The admonition was directed primarily at my brother who tended to prefer the company of neighborhood rowdies – the kids who ran around with their shirt tail hanging out, their knickers not pulled up, their hair uncombed, and used inappropriate language like “gosh” and “gee whiz.” (Yes, yes, I know. But that was back in the Dark Ages.)
She was right – people do judge you by the people you associate with. But in our contemporary culture that’s all but devoid of standards of behavior, few people are concerned about the judgment of others. However, if you are at midlife, and you want to retain youthful characteristics and vibrant good health, the company you keep is very important for a reason that is rarely discussed.
And that reason is this: What we perceive as “oldness” is not just the result of the aging process. We develop “old” thinking and behaviors from observation and emulation of “old” or “older” people we associate with most frequently. They could be family members, close friends, neighbors, or co-workers. And let’s not forget the influence of media icons and archaic conventional wisdom and consensus thinking. “Oldness” is insidious and viral– it’s contagious. You really have to watch what you allow into your head and adopt as your own.
“Oldness” thinking and behavior is often handed down in families. Middle aged daughters in a close relationship with their mothers often begin to look, behave, and dress like their mothers.
“‘Oldness’ thinking and behavior is often handed down in families.”
Does someone in your family insist on being waited on and catered to not because of an infirmity but because “I’ve done for others all of my life, and now it’s time for others to do for me”? Grandma did it, so you do it, too. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We should take care of our elders. But when elders are perfectly capable of caring for themselves? I think not. It’s unkind and unwise to encourage dependence. If entitlement or other negative behavior causes unhappiness in your family, you don’t have to adopt it or pass it on. It can stop with you.
Aside from family life, one of the best places to catch the oldness virus is in retirement communities or any living situation where you are in contact primarily with people your own age. (This statement is made with all due respect to those living in a retirement community, who love it, and wouldn’t live any place else.)
Retirement communities, for the most part, are absolutely beautiful. They are quiet, well maintained and many offer amenities that can keep you going nonstop: Trips, classes, social and sports events, state of the art exercise equipment, music, arts, crafts, tennis, swimming, theater — you name it. What more could you want if you are over 50? After all, don’t you deserve it? Sure you do, but be prepared to make a huge tradeoff.
What you should want, and must want, if you are determined to Put Old on Hold is regular association with people of ALL ages and circumstances. If you are healthy and choose to buy into a retirement community marketed to people “over 50” bear in mind you will be living among old people for a very long time. (If you enter an assisted living community because you must, that’s an entirely different situation and doesn’t apply to this discussion.)
The life span has increased by 27 years in the past century. Those bonus years represent a long time to be cooped up with people whose favorite topics of conversation, sooner or later, will be about aches, pains, which neighbor is in the hospital or who died last week, and which widower is up for grabs, and what his favorite casserole is. (Competing for available men in retirement communities can be fierce, but that’s another story.) There can be a concentrated amount of worry and woe which is stressful, and stress accelerates aging.
Young people, as irritating as they often can be, can also be wonderful to be around. They tend to be open, patient, kind, understanding and tolerant. For me, one of the joys of working is the opportunity to interact with young people. On more than one occasion their presence has helped me lighten up on impatience and crankiness. You can’t pay for that kind of therapy!
Exposure to young people is absolutely essential if you want to keep your head on straight, stay current with what’s happening, and broaden your worldview. You may not approve of what you see and hear but it does help you cope with reality – something that older people often have a hard time dealing with.
Deliberately put yourself where young people are. Take or teach classes at the local community college. Join organizations that do not segregate by age, i.e. seniors-only or boomers-only groups. Volunteer to mentor teens who could benefit from your wisdom and experience.
Yes, my mother was right. People do judge you by the company you keep, and she did appreciate the company of young people. While in the hospital for the last time, my brother came into her room and was aghast that sprawled across the foot of her bed was a handsome young man from the room next to hers, and they were laughing, having a good old time.
I can’t account for what went on that precipitated the laughter, but she sure did appreciate that young guy, and he undoubtedly benefited from her company as well. Better that she had the young guy for company than the old geezer down the hall who was constantly and loudly complaining about the food and his constipation.
Indeed, if and when you have a choice, choose your friends and associates carefully as you age. They can and do affect how you age and the quality of your life.